Why You’re Really Struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome—and How to Fix It

What if your family could be defined not just by blood, but by the connections you choose to nurture? On the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast, we explore the idea of family as a dynamic and evolving tapestry, particularly for women over 40 who may feel life's transitions keenly. Sharing my personal journey with both biological and adopted children, I illuminate how brain chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin fundamentally shape our emotional ties. Let's consider how children select role models and the transformative power of self-discovery to redefine family bonds at any point in life.

When the nest empties and the echoes of our children's laughter fade from our homes, it can feel like part of our identity is slipping away. The challenge, then, is to cultivate intentional connections that anchor us. Drawing on wisdom from my Aunt Kathy, I highlight the vital role of friendships, particularly with other women, in building a resilient support network. Through engaging stories and actionable advice, I encourage you to foster relationships that extend beyond your parental roles, ensuring you have a strong community to navigate life's inevitable changes.

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Chapters

• 0:04 Family Bonds and Coping With Empty
• 12:05 Intentional Connection

Transcript

Melissa: 0:04

Hello sisters, I have been listening to all of my clients and my followers, and I've heard you. Today, I want to be talking about the number one thing that you all are saying you're struggling with at this stage of life, and I'm going to tell you how to fix it. Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast, your cozy corner of the world, where we'll sip on life's lessons and squeeze the most out of every moment. I'm Melissa, your coach, cheerleader and maybe even a little bit like that mom who always has a warm hug and the best advice waiting for you. If you're a woman over 40 feeling like life's left you a little lost, aimless or downright stuck, you're in the right place. This is where your joy, your freedom and your purpose come back into focus. Together, we'll laugh, learn and rediscover what makes you come alive, because it's not too late. This is your time, so grab a cup of something warm, settle in and let's start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together. Start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together.

Melissa: 1:09

When people come to me, they come to me with this question about like, what do I do with my empty nest? I feel empty now that all of my kids are grown and what do I do with that? And this is actually a question that I keep asking myself, and I've been asking myself this question for several years, like what is it that actually makes a family a family? And I think this is a really appropriate question to be asking these days, because there are so many different versions of what a family is, and I think you know, when a lot of people think of family, they just think of a mom, dad and the children that they bring into the world. But there's more to it than that, and what is it that makes a family? What is it that actually creates the ties that bind us together? It's a good question, a question, I think, that's worth answering, a question, I think that's worth really thinking about, really pondering, because I have four kids and I have five grandkids, and two of my kids are through adoption and two of them are by birth, and all of my grandkids come from my adopted children. But it's really interesting because throughout the years, we've never really thought about them as being my adopted children. At least, I've never thought that and I don't think they have either, whenever people would see us together as a family when all the kids were living at home, they would be shocked to find out that the older two were my adopted children, because I treat them no different. I love them, no different than the two that I gave birth to. So what is it? What is it that makes that possible? What is it that binds us together? What is it that creates that tie?

Melissa: 2:56

And when we're talking about creating these ties, some of it is choice. Right, I choose to love them as much as I love my birth children, but a lot of it has to do with our makeup, how we're designed. It has to do with our brain and it has to do with chemicals. The chemicals that I'm talking about are dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, and all of these are the really feel good chemicals that your brain releases when you're experiencing positive emotions. So dopamine is often called the happy hormone. It's released when you experience anything that's pleasurable. So it could be good food like chocolate cake, hello or peanut butter, yes. Or it could be sex. Sex releases dopamine when you have that close intimacy with another person, or even being praised can release dopamine into your system. So good experiences release the happy hormone. And then there's also serotonin, and this is known as the feel-good hormone. This is the one that helps prevent depression and anxiety, and releasing serotonin into your bloodstream is like an antidepressant. So serotonin and dopamine. And then we also have oxytocin, and oxytocin is known as the love hormone.

Melissa: 4:22

When you give birth to a child, your brain floods your body with oxytocin so that you will bond with that child. It is how we are designed. It is for survival. We have to bond with the child that we birth, because that child can't survive without us, with the child that we birth, because that child can't survive without us. So it's important to have all of these chemicals released into your body and that is what creates those bonds. It's those chemicals being released into your body creating those bonds. So, whether your child is a foster child or an adopted child or a child by birth, all those hormones have a really big part to play, and that's a huge part of what ties us together, what creates those bonds. Because I have friends that I look at as family members and I treat them as family members. They're like family to me. And how is that possible unless there's something that happens more than just giving birth? I don't think giving birth is what creates family, because how many women give up their children for adoption? How many women neglect their children? I mean, there's a lot that creates a family and it's more than just birth, it's choice and it's also those chemicals being released into your bloodstream.

Melissa: 5:50

One of the things that I told my kids when they were younger is that they get to choose. One of their biggest jobs as kids is to watch the adults around them and choose who they want to emulate when they grow up. I told them you know, you might see something in me that you can't stand and you think to yourself I don't want to do that when I grow up. Or you might see something in your dad that you're like yes, that's what I want to do when I grow up. That's one of the biggest jobs that kids have is to watch the adults around them and decide like who do I want to be when I grow up? But even as an adult, you get to choose. I was working with a client several weeks ago and she doesn't have that great of a relationship with her mother, like so many of us don't. The mother wound is very, very real. Not everyone has a perfect, beautiful relationship with their mother and being able to help her see and help her understand that she actually can choose who she allows to speak into her life. That was really huge for her to make that realization.

Melissa: 6:59

And I think in the church we're told honor your father and your mother. And I think we get that. There's different ways to honor. We'll just say it that way. There's different ways to honor and honor doesn't always equal full access. You don't get to have full access to me just because you gave birth to me. These are really really heavy concepts that I work on with a lot of my clients, but I just want you to hear this right now you get to choose. Even as an adult, you get to look at the other adults around you and go. I don't want to be like that, or, yeah, I want to be like that. You actually get to choose. You get to choose how you experience this life. So just hear that you get to choose who you allow to mother you. So I'm 55 right now and I still need a mom. I still need someone to mother me. I still need someone to go to, to talk to, to ask questions to, and I get to choose that. My mom's since passed away, but even if she was still here, I don't always have to listen to every single thing that she says and take it on as gospel truth. In my life, I get to seek out the people that I want to speak into my life, so you get to choose too.

Melissa: 8:13

Okay, so we talked about dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin creating those bonds right, helping us to create that family feeling. So what is it then? What is it that makes the nest feel so empty For some of us when our kids leave home, it really is heart-wrenching. I have several clients right now that are feeling that emptiness at home. Whether all their kids are already gone or if the emptiness is looming ahead, they're feeling it. They're feeling the emptiness inside depression, and they just don't even know what to do with themselves anymore. So what is it that makes our nest feel so empty? Well, one of the big things that all of those chemicals do the oxytocin, the dopamine and the serotonin. One of the things that those chemicals do is they create that family feeling, like we already talked about. What is the family feeling, though? It is love, safety and belonging, and you have to have love, safety and belonging in this life to survive. It is how we are designed.

Melissa: 9:21

I always think back to cavemen when I think about design. Right, because that's early man, we're just now walking the earth. However you believe man got here is irrelevant to me. I believe the scriptures and what the scriptures say about how we got here, but it really doesn't matter what you believe about how we got here. The point is we are designed very, very simply. Our brain, the survival part of our brain, must have love, safety and belonging. It must have those three things to survive. So think about cavemen. They had to have safety. Safety comes in numbers. Safety also comes inside the cave. The moment they step out of the cave they're not safe, right, they could die at any moment, but inside the cave they had safety. They had belonging with other cavemen and the way that they had that belonging was to love each other, to care for each other, to help each other, to care for each other, to help each other, to provide for each other love, safety and belonging. So I always think of cavemen when I think about how we are designed. We're designed very simply we need those three things to survive this life. Without those three things we will perish. So, even though we're living in this modern age and we're not in caves anymore, we still need those three things. Our brains still need love, safety and belonging to survive, and if any one of those three things is stripped away, our brain thinks that we will die. Your brain thinks that you will die if love, safety and belonging are not present.

Melissa: 11:04

So let's think about kids leaving home. Think about the decades you've spent pouring into your kids, the decades that you have set yourself aside in your own needs, the decades that you probably put your husband's needs aside as well, because the kids need you. Right, the kids need you, and there's nothing wrong with pouring into our children. I did the same thing. I was a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and I poured everything I had into my children. I took my job as a parent very seriously. I wanted to make sure that my kids could survive in the world without me, so I gave everything to them, and when they left home, that love was gone. Like, who do I love now, if I don't have my kids to love on, who do I love? Yes, I still had my spouse, but it wasn't the same. It's not the same kind of love that we pour into our kids, that we pour into our spouse or that we pour back into ourselves.

Melissa: 12:05

So we spend all this time loving our children, creating that safety net for them, giving them a space to belong. Even through the teenage years, when they're intentionally separating, they know they still belong at home, they know they still have a place to call their own. And as our kids start to leave, as they drive away, and we're standing in the driveway crying our eyes out and our husbands are trying to console us, our husbands don't understand. In general, they don't get it because they haven't done what we've done. We've spent all of our energy pouring into those children, pouring into our kids.

Melissa: 12:45

And when they drive away, that part of our brain that needs love, safety and belonging feels it all being ripped away and it believes that it will die. Consciously, we know that's not the case. Consciously we know we're not going to die just because our kids drive away, but because of how our brain is designed, our brain believes death is imminent. Without that love, safety and belonging that we have spent decades fostering, it believes we're going to die and we're just standing there waving our kids goodbye. And we know that they're leaving. We know that it's good for them, we know it's the natural next step, but that part of our brain is freaking out. So that's what makes our nest feel so empty. It's that our brain believes we're going to die without our kids being at home.

Melissa: 13:41

Consciously, we understand it's the next step, we've prepared them for this, but that part of ourselves, that part of our brain, doesn't understand. It can't understand because its whole purpose is to keep us safe. Its whole purpose is to keep us alive. And when love, safety and belonging are driving away, it feels like it's going to die. Of safety and belonging are driving away, it feels like it's going to die. And, like I said, our husbands don't really get it. They can't console us because it's not a conscious thought, it's not a conscious process. It's all part of that survival brain. It's underneath the surface and most of the time we don't even know what's going on. We just know that we're falling apart, right?

Melissa: 14:21

So how can you fix it? What can you do to make that empty nest not feel so empty? There's a word, it's one word. I'm going to tell you the one word it's intention. The word is intention. That is how you can make your empty nest not feel so empty is with intention. So, wherever you are on the spectrum of life, whether your kids are still at home, maybe older, preparing to leave, go off to college, go off into the world, whatever it is that they're going to do, or your kids are already gone. Regardless of what stage you're in, with intention you can make this better. With intention, you can make your emptiness not feel so empty. But what are you going to be intentional about? Is it just a thought process? Are you manifesting something? What are you doing? You're connecting. Through intentional connection, you can help that emptiness not feel so empty. You can create love, safety and belonging elsewhere in your life. You can create it with friends. You can create it with your spouse Now, if your kids are still home. Start now. Don't wait until your kids leave to do this. Start now If they've already gone, start now. It's not too late.

Melissa: 15:40

I want to share with you something that my Aunt Kathy said. I hope everybody in the world has an Aunt Kathy, because my Aunt Kathy is really amazing. She was an air hostess back in the 60s and she stayed doing that throughout her life, all the way up to retirement. She chose to not have any kids but instead to pour into her nieces and nephews, which, I mean, we're all just so grateful for. Everybody should have an Aunt Kathy in their lives. But one of the things that Aunt Kathy said to me and this was before I ever got married, it was before I had kids, way before my nest was empty, and I don't even know if she realizes the impact that this had on me. But one of the things that she said to me was foster your connections with your girlfriends, because men will come and go, but your girlfriends are there for life, and I mean just science alone. Men don't live as long as women do. So if you are married to a man, more than likely he's gonna pass away before you and you're going to be left again without love, safety and belonging. So foster your connection with your girlfriends, because girlfriends are there for life. And I have to tell you I've seen this for her. I've seen this in her life. She is in her 80s right now. Her husband has passed away several years ago and her friends sustain her. Her friends give her that love, safety and belonging. She has friends that will drive hours and hours and hours to see her. She has friends that she goes out with every night of the week and just enjoys their presence.

Melissa: 17:27

Create connections outside of your kids, and I know this is not easy. I don't know if I could have done it. I was so involved in my kids' lives. I call it my mom bubble. I was in my mom bubble for over 20 years and everything I did was for my kids. Start now fostering those connections with your girlfriends.

Melissa: 17:48

Create that love, safety and belonging outside of your kids, even if it's just once a month. Set aside time to get together with your girlfriends. Set aside time to build those connections, because that is going to make it. It's not going to make it perfect, right. Your kids are still going to leave home. It's still going to hurt, but you'll have connection outside of your relationship with your kids. You'll have love, safety and belonging that is just yours. Are you ready to deepen your connections? In a world filled with distractions, building meaningful relationships can feel harder than ever, but it doesn't have to be.

Melissa: 18:36

I've created 10 Tips for Connection a simple, practical guide to help you strengthen your relationships. 10 Tips for Connection a simple, practical guide to help you strengthen your relationships, communicate with authenticity and build bonds that truly matter, whether it's with your family, friends or even just yourself. These tips are designed to inspire connection in a way that feels natural and fulfilling. So download your free copy today and start creating the meaningful connections that you've been craving in your life. Maybe you haven't been craving them, but they are connections that you need to create that love, safety and belonging in your life, outside of your mom bubble. So let's make connection a priority again. So that's it. Create connections with intention. So that's it. Create connections with intention. Whether your home is still full, you're verging on the empty nest or your kids have already fallen, being intentional and creating those connections that tell your brain that you have love, safety and belonging is the one thing you can do to relieve the emptiness caused when your kids take their natural next step out into the world. Connect, allow that dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin to flow.

Melissa: 19:52

Thanks so much for spending a little time with me today on the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. I hope you're walking away with something that sparks joy, hope or a fresh perspective for your journey. If you loved today's episode, let's keep the conversation going. You can find more inspiration, coaching tips and resources over at my website, lemonbalmcoachingcom. Don't forget to follow me on social media for encouragement and updates, and you'll find me on Instagram and Facebook at Lemon Balm Coaching. And hey, if you're looking for a supportive, uplifting community of amazing women just like you. Come join us in the Reignite your Flame Facebook group. It's a safe, welcoming space where we share, grow and cheer each other on, and you can find the link on my website or just search for Reignite your Flame on Facebook. Remember, honey, just be yourself. The world needs what only you have to offer. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode.