Stop Carrying Their Healing Journey: How to Support Without Losing Yourself

Ever caught yourself pouring every ounce of your being into helping someone who simply wasn't ready to change? That gut-wrenching feeling when you can clearly see their potential, know exactly what would help them, yet nothing shifts? That emotional exhaustion isn't just in your head—it's real, and it's draining your precious energy.

When we invest more energy into someone else's healing than they invest in themselves, we're setting up a painful dynamic that serves nobody. Drawing from personal experience and professional coaching expertise, this episode dives deep into why we feel compelled to "fix" others and what's really happening when we try. That urge to control others' healing journey isn't random—it's actually a survival technique hardwired into our brains, telling us that if our loved ones aren't okay, somehow we won't be either. 

I share vulnerable stories from my own life, including my experience as a caretaker for my diabetic father and working through my struggle with anxiety when I tried taking on my husband's problems as my own. These raw examples illuminate the fundamental truth at the heart of all transformation: it must come from within. No amount of external pressure, no matter how well-intentioned, can force someone to change who isn't ready.

But this doesn't leave us powerless. We can learn to "hold space" rather than push solutions, offer encouragement instead of enforcement, and set healthy boundaries that protect our energy while still allowing us to care deeply. The shift from being a "fixer" to becoming a "supporter" not only preserves your wellbeing but often creates the exact environment where others feel safe enough to begin their own healing journey.

If you've been carrying the emotional weight of someone else's choices, this episode offers practical tools to reclaim your energy without losing your compassion. Remember, what's yours is yours, and what's theirs is theirs. Your energy is too precious to misplace—let's redirect it where it truly serves.

Download 5 Ways to Stop Misplacing Energy HERE

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Chapters

• 0:00 When You Care More Than They Do
• 5:30 Control Is A Survival Technique
• 11:10 True Transformation Comes From Within
• 19:27 Signs You're Misplacing Your Energy
• 26:40 Holding Space Over Pushing Solutions
• 31:40 From Fixer To Supporter

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Have you ever poured your heart and your soul into trying to help someone Wishing, hoping, maybe even begging them to make a change? Maybe it's a loved one struggling with their health or their mindset, or a pattern that's just keeping them stuck? You can clearly see their potential, you know what can help them and yet nothing changes. I get it. I've been there and let me tell you it's exhausting. When you invest all of your energy into wishing and wanting healing for someone else more than they want it for themselves, you're setting yourself up for frustration, burnout and heartbreak. In this episode, I'm sharing my own personal stories of misplaced energy times. I tried so hard to wish someone into wellness and, more importantly, I'll be giving you some tools to shift your energy in a way that actually serves you and allows you to support your loved ones without losing yourself in the process. If you've ever felt like you're carrying the emotional weight of someone else's journey, this episode is for you. Let's talk about how to let go, how to set boundaries and how to reclaim your energy without losing your compassion.

Speaker 1: 1:28

Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast, your cozy corner of the world where we'll sip on life's lessons and squeeze the most out of every moment. I'm Melissa, your coach, cheerleader and maybe even a little bit like that mom who always has a warm hug and the best advice waiting for you. If you're a woman over 40 feeling like life's left you a little lost, aimless or downright stuck, you're in the right place. This is where your joy, your freedom and your purpose come back into focus. Together, we'll laugh, learn and rediscover what makes you come alive, because it's not too late. This is your time, so grab a cup of something warm, settle in and let's start creating the next most beautiful chapter of your life together.

Speaker 1: 2:12

Control is an illusion, and I would go so far as to say that this desire to control others is actually a survival technique, and I'll explain a little bit more about that. But where does this desire to control come from? As women, we tend to have this deep desire to help, to help to heal those that we love. And why? What is behind this desire to help them heal, this desire to control their process? Like I said, it's a survival technique, and it's a beautiful survival technique, because we have to have love, we have to have safety, we have to have belonging to survive in this world, and without those three things, our brain believes that we're going to die. So when we see someone that we love making choices that lead them down a destructive path whether that's with their health or their relationships or their jobs or whatever it is when we see people making those choices that lead them down that path, it's, it's scary for us and our our survival brain kicks in and it says we've got to fix it. We've got to make sure they're okay, because if they're not okay, then I'm not okay. If they're not okay, then I can't survive.

Speaker 1: 3:46

We all every single one of us on the planet, whether you're a man or a woman we have this deep desire to help and heal those we love, and it comes from that place of survival. But when we spend our energy trying to help the people that we love be well, it drains us. We get drained. When we're spending all of our energy focusing it on helping other people be well, now that might sound really counterintuitive coming from someone who actually helps people be well. Now, that might sound really counterintuitive coming from someone who actually helps people be well as my career choice. But when we're talking about our relationships, that's when it becomes draining, because we are so emotionally invested in the people that we love. When we see them making these choices, when we see them walking down these paths, we want to help. And when we take the energy and invest it in them when they're not really ready to start working on their own healing journey, it's exhausting. We can't wish someone into wellness, we can't hope someone into wellness, we can't force someone into wellness. But when we try to do that, it's coming from that place of survival and I hope you can see that. And when we think about survival right, there's the four pieces to that right.

Speaker 1: 5:18

Most people know of fight or flight, but there's also now considered fawn and freeze, and for the longest time it was fight flight. But there's also now considered fawn and freeze, and for the longest time it was fight flight and then they added freeze. But now we've added fawn. So there's fight, flight, freeze or fawn, and what this really is is it's your sympathetic nervous system taking over and it's doing its job. It's doing a beautiful job. We do not want to beat ourselves up for going into survival mode, because that's what our brain does the best. That's what that part of our brain is designed to do to throw you into survival mode to activate your sympathetic nervous system.

Speaker 1: 5:57

But when that happens and we're investing this energy into fighting for others who don't want to be fought for, it's exhausting. And when we're talking about this control, this desire to help other people be well, when we're talking about that, what we're really talking about is that fight part of the sympathetic nervous system. We want to fight for the people that we love. That's not a bad thing, but if they don't want to be fought for, it can become a problem. We have to understand. When we are considering the wellness of the people around us, when we're considering their mental, emotional, spiritual, physical wellness, considering their mental, emotional, spiritual, physical wellness, we need to understand, we must understand. We have to understand that true change, true transformation, comes from within, not from external pressure. If you're walking a healing journey, you're probably doing it because you decided you wanted to do it. You decided that's it, I'm done, I want to be well. It's not because someone berated you into being well.

Speaker 1: 7:13

I remember back when I was a Boy Scout Master and there is a at that time. I'm not sure if it still exists, but at that time there was this premier leadership course called Wood Badge that they wanted all leaders to go through If you were in a position of leadership in the Boy Scouts. They wanted you to attend this course and I know why. It's an absolutely wonderful course. But I remember for probably three years people would come up to me and say you need to sign up, you need to sign up, you need to sign up, you need to sign up. And I always told them when I'm ready to sign up, I will sign up. You can't pressure me from the outside and I knew that about myself and I would tell them stop trying to pressure me. When it's time for me to go, I will go, and I did. Stop trying to pressure me. When it's time for me to go, I will go, and I did. When it was time, I did, I signed up and I went and it was wonderful.

Speaker 1: 8:14

But true transformation is an internal decision. It's not something you can berate someone into. It's not someone that you can. You can't force someone to want to be well. You just cannot do it. And I've said that for years, even before I became a coach. I just knew that intrinsically, that transformation was a personal decision. Whatever the transformation is, whether it's releasing weight, something having to do with your job, something having to do with your emotional health or your spiritual health. It's always a personal decision. It cannot be coerced. You cannot coerce someone to make a decision that's good for them. It has to be something that they desire. And I have a perfect example for you.

Speaker 1: 8:59

My dad has been diabetic his entire life. Entire life since he was about 12 years old and he's he's going to be 80 this year and most of his life he just ate whatever he wanted and then took insulin to counteract that. And as a type one diabetic diagnosed in the 1950s, that was their, that was their understanding of the disease at the time Eat whatever you want, take insulin to counteract it, because kind of that's what our bodies do. Naturally, we eat things and our body produces insulin to counteract it. But his whole life, up until about three years ago, that's how he managed and I say managed loosely managed his diabetes. But what would happen if you're familiar with diabetes, when you eat carbohydrates? Carbohydrates spikes your blood sugar, obviously, and then he would take insulin to counteract that. So anytime he would eat, his blood sugar would spike and then he would take insulin and then it would plummet, spike, plummet, spike, plummet all day long. Spike, plummet, spike, plummet all day long.

Speaker 1: 10:09

Well, I became his caretaker a couple of years ago and I presented him with opportunities. I presented him with options. Here's a way that you could eat that could prevent those spikes and drops from happening. Here's a way that you could move that would help increase your energy. Just offering him options, but not demanding that he make those changes. And, as a result, over the last two years he's made so many beautiful changes in his diet and how he does things that his blood sugar is fairly level almost every day. But I didn't force him to do it. I didn't say you can only eat these foods, you can only do these things. I just presented opportunities and gave him the choice, and when he would come to me and say I think I'm done doing that, we'd be done doing it.

Speaker 1: 10:58

Transformation has to come from within. You cannot coerce someone to be well. Come from within. You cannot coerce someone to be well. So what are some signs that you are misplacing your energy when it comes to the people that you love, the people that you want to see? Well, what are some of the signs that you could be on the lookout for that will let you know that you're misplacing your energy? This is a big one the constant worry or obsessing over someone else's healing journey. I come from a family of worriers. My mom was a worrier. She worried all the time. We used to joke if there wasn't something to worry about, she would make something up to worry about. But when we're talking about our misplaced energy, if you find yourself worrying constantly or obsessing over someone else's healing journey, that's probably a sign to you that you're misplacing your energy.

Speaker 1: 11:58

And what do I mean by misplacing your energy? Let me talk about that real quick. Let's say we have 100% energy each day and on that graph, let's say 20% of your energy is spent on exercise, 20% is spent on eating. That leaves you with 60%. Another 20% might be spent on your job, another 20% might be spent on your home and then you have another 20% left. What do you do with that 20%? Spend time with your family, et cetera, et cetera. We only have 100% energy.

Speaker 1: 12:42

And if you think about all the things that are important to you in your life and you figure out how much energy you're actually spending on each one of those things, if you start to worry, if you start to obsess over someone else's healing journey, it's going to take up energy from somewhere. It has to take energy from somewhere. I always love to tell people you can do anything you set your mind to. I always love to tell people you can do anything you set your mind to. You can really do anything in this life, and as a mom, as a wife, as just a woman in general. We are all powerful Hear us roar but we can't do everything all at once. You can do everything. You can do everything you want in this life, but you can't do them all at the same time. It is physically impossible to do everything all at the same time.

Speaker 1: 13:29

So, if we're thinking about the worrying and obsessing that takes energy it might not take physical energy, but it definitely takes mental energy and spiritual energy to be worrying or obsessing over someone else. So think about where that energy might be coming from, and would it be better spent on something else, something that would actually make a difference in your life? Because I have no control over what someone else does Absolutely zero control over what someone else does. I have zero control over what my dad chooses to do. I can't worry about what he's. That's him. Another sign that you might be misplacing your energy is if you're feeling responsible for someone else's choices or progress. Again, they are making the choices for their life. But if you find yourself feeling responsible, believing that you are the one making their choices possible or not possible, that's a sign that you're misplacing your energy. Highly, highly highly recommend that you check in with yourself when you're feeling that feeling.

Speaker 1: 14:46

If I could just tell you how many times someone told me all I have to do is cook better food for the people in my home, because people in my family we struggle. We struggle with our weight. It goes up and down, up and down, up and down. We struggle. It's a commonality, it's a common thread among the people of my family and I cannot tell you the number of times people would come to me and say of my family. And I cannot tell you the number of times people would come to me and say if you just cooked better food, they would be healthier.

Speaker 1: 15:16

I can tell you I cooked a good food. I cook everything from scratch. We ate well, but I have no control over how much they choose to eat. I have no control over whether or not they run down to the gas station and buy snacks. I have no control over what they choose when our kids are little. Sure, we are the voice. We are the voice that tells them what they can and cannot do, what they should and should not do. But once they are cognizant and making their own decisions, that's on them. Cognizant and making their own decisions, that's on them. Just seriously, the number of times people tried to shame me for how someone in my family looked or behaved, I am not responsible for that. That is their choice. I could cook the absolutely most wonderful, 100% healthiest food on the entire planet, but if they choose to eat a ton of it or if they choose to go get junk food, I have no control over that. Pardon my language. They are grown ass, adults and they can make their own decisions. It's not on me. So the next time you start feeling that responsibility or someone tries to shame you in that, remember it's their decision to do the things they're doing.

Speaker 1: 16:42

Here's another sign If you start feeling emotional exhaustion, frustration or even resentment. I have worked with several clients who feel resentful toward their partner because their partner is making bad choices. They're frustrated that they're making these choices. They send me pictures Look at what he's choosing. Look at what he's choosing, look at what he's doing. And I have to remind them. Yes, that's terrible, it's not good for their health. I know the issues that they're dealing with, but again, that's their choice. That is a grown-ass person who can run to the grocery store or the convenience store and get the junk that they want. It is not on you, but it does become exhausting. It does become emotionally exhausting, it can be frustrating, it can lead to resentment. Look at the work that I'm doing on myself and you're over there like a bump on a log. It can lead to that resentment. So, again, remembering my choices for me, their choices for them. And here's a big one If you're neglecting your own well-being while you're worrying, obsessing, stressing over someone else's healing journey, that is a huge lag, a huge warning sign for you. And I'll tell you a little story about that.

Speaker 1: 18:14

Back when I was going through menopause, I started struggling with anxiety, like really, really crippling anxiety and depression. So I sought out a therapist and I started going to see a therapist and through our months together, what we really realized the bottom line was I was trying to take on my husband's problems and make them mine, because I was frustrated and feeling resentment over his choices and I was feeling responsible for his choices, resentment over his choices, and I was feeling responsible for his choices. So I started neglecting my own health, my own wellness, my own journey and took his on. I tried to take his on, I tried to wish him to wellness. I was putting all of my energy into making sure he was okay, to the point where I was neglecting myself.

Speaker 1: 19:16

So if you find that you are neglecting your own well-being while placing all of this energy into wishing and hoping and obsessing over someone else, huge, huge, huge red flag. If you find that you're walking away from your good, healthy food habits, that you're walking away from your good, healthy food habits, if you're walking away from your good movement habits, if you're walking away from your good spiritual habits in exchange for worrying and obsessing over them, huge red flag. So those are some of the signs that can let you know you're misplacing your energy. But what can you do, right? So now we know what it looks like if I'm doing it. But now what? What do I do now?

Speaker 1: 20:04

Well, there's a few things that you can do that'll really, really help Yourself in this process, because that's what we're here for. We're here to talk about you. If you're listening, it's because you want to know how you can help yourself right. So the first thing that you can do and I love this term, it's a huge coaching term, it's something that we say hold space, so you can hold space for that other person instead of pushing solutions on them. Have you ever had someone who just reaches out to you and goes, oh my gosh, this is the most amazing thing. You should read it. This is the most amazing thing. You should listen to it. This is the most amazing thing. You should cook it. This is the most amazing. And it goes on and on and on. And they really mean well, but they're pushing. They're pushing solutions, and what holds even more power is holding space. So what do I mean by that?

Speaker 1: 21:00

I was working with a client just the other day and we were talking about this exact topic and the thing that we came to was how to hold space. I would love for you to just kind of close your eyes, if you're not driving close your eyes and think about a beautiful space. You know that could be a field, it could be a meadow, it could be the beach, it could be. If you're a sports fan, it could be an arena. Whatever it is.

Speaker 1: 21:26

Pick a beautiful space where you can place that person in your mind. You're placing them in a beautiful space, a beautiful space where they can be 100% themselves, a beautiful space where they can hold their own healing journey while you're looking in from the outside. I don't want you to be in that space with them, but I want you to be looking into that in from the outside. I don't want you to be in that space with them, but I want you to be looking into that space from the outside. This is what holding space is Creating a place inside of your mind where they can exist beautifully, 100% themselves. No expectations on your end, no obsession, no worrying, because they're in a beautiful, safe space where they can be 100% themselves, where they can 100% make their choices for themselves, where they can exist inside your heart, inside your mind, but safely.

Speaker 1: 22:38

The other thing that you can do when you're holding space for someone is to practice presence, and we went over this in episode six of the podcast, so go back and listen if you're curious about practicing presence. But when you hold space for someone and you're present with them where they are, that is so powerful. They recognize on a subconscious level that you are safe, that you're not going to force them to do things that they don't want to do, to do things that they're not ready to do. Practicing presence speaks directly to their subconscious, directly to that part of the brain that's always on alert for danger. It speaks directly to their survival brain. The power of presence. That's the power of presence.

Speaker 1: 23:39

So hold space for people in your life. Hold space for the people in your life who desperately need it. Right, because you're on the outside. You can see the choices that they're making. You can see that the things that they're doing are leading down a path that is not good. You can clearly see it, but don't push solutions on them. Hold space, because they have to make their choices and you get to make your choices. This is your choice. This is your choice to hold space. This is your choice to be present. This is your choice to listen and accept and place them in that space in your brain. That's safe and you can see that they're safe. You can see that they are safe, that they are okay, even with the choices that they're making.

Speaker 1: 24:36

Another thing that you can do is encourage them. Encourage, not enforce. We want to support people without smothering them. We want to be there for them. We want to say things like that was great. Look what you just did. Wow. Instead of choosing fried fish, you chose baked fish. That's great. Encouragement, not enforcement. Well, no, I'm not going to cook fried fish for you anymore, because it's bad for you. We're only having baked fish from now on. That's enforcement. Wow. I'm so proud of you for going to the fast food place and getting grilled chicken instead of fried chicken. That's awesome. I'm proud of you.

Speaker 1: 25:22

Encouragement over enforcement. Offer words of building up instead of words of breaking down, because our words absolutely matter. Use your words to build people up instead of breaking them down. And again, I know we've already said this, but it can be really hard. It can be really hard when we're talking about the people that we love, because we are emotionally involved. We are emotionally involved because that part of our brain needs to survive and we're not sure if we can survive without them, right? So we're going to do everything we can to make sure that they're well.

Speaker 1: 26:03

Another thing that you can do that is so, so, so helpful is setting up a healthy boundary for yourself. Boundaries protect you and them. Boundaries protect your energy and their energy, so you can protect yourself while still caring deeply for the other person. Healthy boundaries are so important in really every area of life, but this is a really big one, especially for the people who do obsess, who do worry about the health and wellbeing of their partners, of their family members, of their friends, of their coworkers. I mean, some people are so deeply feeling that they care about the stranger on the street that way, so a healthy boundary is so important. So a healthy boundary is so important. How do you set healthy boundaries? That is a topic for another episode. But, going back to holding space, you can create boundaries just like that. You can create boundaries around yourself where you say I'm okay if I worry about this part of their well-being, I'm not okay if I worry about that part of their wellbeing.

Speaker 1: 27:12

Boundaries are personal. Boundaries are very, very personal. What works for me may not work for you. What works for your neighbor may not work for your coworker. Boundaries are so important, especially when we're talking about this type of energy, this type of worrying energy, this type of obsessing energy. These are negative energies that will drag you down, get stuck in your body and create symptoms and eventually morph into disease if you're not careful. So we want to make sure we're setting those healthy boundaries around our energy, around our thoughts, around our actions when it comes to the health and well-being of those that we love.

Speaker 1: 27:55

Another beautiful tool that you can use for yourself, because we're talking about you, we're not talking about them. They are grown-ass people who can make their own choices, but we can redirect our focus when I see that I'm starting to worry or obsess. I can redirect my energy back into my own healing journey, back into my own personal growth. So some of you listening might really consider yourself a fixer. Like I fix things, I help people be well, I do it, but remembering we can't force anyone to do anything that they're not willing to do. Right? I cannot obsess over someone else's health. Their choices are theirs, my choices are mine. How can you go from being a fixer to being a supporter? Like we were talking about that supportive energy, right, that encouragement, holding space. How can you go from being a fixer to being a supporter?

Speaker 1: 28:56

Well, the first thing is to release the guilt of not being able to heal someone else. I want to say that again Release the guilt of not being able to heal someone else. A lot of the people that I talk to are healers. We're healers. We want people to be well. That's what I do as a coach. I want people to be well. That's what I do as an aromatherapist I want people to be well.

Speaker 1: 29:28

I'm a healer at heart, and when I can't force someone to heal, when I can't force someone to be well, there can be guilt in that. There can be some guilt there. So, releasing that guilt, letting it go, when you see that the person you love is still choosing to be unwell, when you find yourself worrying, when you find yourself obsessing, when you find yourself frustrated or resentful, the best thing that you can do is stop Right there. Wherever it is that you're starting to feel those feelings, stop, take a step back, move out of that space. Take a step back, take a deep breath and remember what's mine is mine and what's theirs is theirs.

Speaker 1: 30:34

If you feel like you've been pouring your energy into everything and everyone, yet you still feel unfulfilled, exhausted and stuck, you're not alone. So many people spend their energy in ways that do not serve and they don't even realize it. That's why I created the free guide Five Ways to Stop Misplacing your Energy, and this is for women who desire to learn to love others well, while maintaining a healthy boundary around their energy. In this guide, I offer you five ways that you can shift from misplacing your energy to placing it where it's actually going to do good. Your energy is precious, so it's time to stop misplacing it on things that do not serve you and start using it to create peace, joy and fulfillment in your life. I'm going to place a link into the show notes where you can download it today. You do not have to stay stuck in exhaustion. You can shift your energy in the right direction, starting today.

Speaker 1: 31:41

Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. If this message resonated with you, I just ask that you subscribe to the podcast, share the podcast and take care of you and your energy. Remember what's yours is yours and what's theirs is theirs. Also, remember that you were designed with special gifts and talents to bring to this world. You are not a mistake. You were not born in the wrong century. The world needs you, the true, authentic healing you right here and right now. Thanks so much for spending a little time with me today on the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. I hope you're walking away with something that sparks joy, hope or a fresh perspective for your journey.

Speaker 1: 32:33

If you loved today's episode, let's keep the conversation going. You can find more inspiration, coaching tips and resources over at my website, lemonbalmcoachingcom. Don't forget to follow me on social media for encouragement and updates, and you'll find me on Instagram and Facebook at Lemon Balm Coaching. And hey, if you're looking for a supportive, uplifting community of amazing women just like you, come join us in the Reignite your Flame Facebook group. It's a safe, welcoming space where we share, grow and cheer each other on, and you can find the link on my website or just search for Reignite your Flame on Facebook. Remember, honey, just be yourself. The world needs what only you have to offer. Take care and I'll see you in the next episode.