From Swifties to Survival: Why We Cling to What Can’t Save Us

Have you ever wondered why we celebrate celebrity engagements as though they were family events? Why devoted fans camp outside venues for days, or why political disagreements turn into vicious personal attacks? The answer lies in understanding three fundamental human needs that drive our behavior in ways we rarely recognize.

Your brain is hardwired to believe that without love, safety, and belonging, you will not survive. This isn't just psychological theory—it's neurobiological reality. When these needs go unmet, our survival brain kicks into high gear, creating a desperate search for fulfillment that can lead us to some surprising places. From Taylor Swift fandom to political tribalism, from gym memberships to harmful addictions, we're constantly seeking substitutes for what our souls truly crave.

In this revealing episode, we explore how celebrities like Taylor Swift have mastered the art of appearing to meet these needs, creating powerful emotional connections with fans who feel like part of her extended family. But there's danger in this misplaced devotion. Our nervous systems can't distinguish between true fulfillment and counterfeit comfort—they only recognize temporary relief. That's why fandom can feel like a matter of life and death, and why we'll fight to defend our chosen tribes even when logic suggests otherwise.

What if there's a more fulfilling way to meet these essential needs? What if you could stop scrambling for scraps of love, safety, and belonging and connect with their true source? This episode offers an invitation to get curious about where you're seeking substitutes in your own life and how you might find authentic fulfillment instead. Because you weren't designed to worship people who put their pants on exactly the same way you do—you were made for something much more profound.

Take a moment this week to reflect on what's truly worthy of your devotion. Your nervous system might insist these substitutes are essential for survival, but your soul knows better. Share this episode with someone who's struggling, and let's start a conversation about finding authentic love, safety, and belonging in a world full of counterfeits.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Celebrity Worship and Human Needs
• 2:15 The Three Basic Human Needs
• 6:10 Love: Our Craving for Connection
• 7:27 Safety and Belonging in Our Lives
• 9:54 Substitutes and Misplaced Worship
• 12:44 Finding True Fulfillment
• 15:34 Episode Closing and Call to Action

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

Oh my word, you guys did you hear the news? Taylor Swift is engaged, and the media and her fandom celebrated it as if she were their own daughter. But you know what? In my humble opinion, taylor Swift is just another person. She puts on her pants the same way that you do and the same way that I do, but today we're going to dive into one of the things that she has mastered that sets her apart.

Speaker 1: 0:30

Before we dive in today, I need to let you know in full transparency that I am not a Swifty. Actually, I don't think there's any pop star, famous person, actor, actress that I actually do fawn over, though I was a little bit saddened by the news of Graham Greene's passing just last week and honestly, there's only like two Taylor Swift songs that I know are hers, and only one of them, because I Prevail did an incredible cover of it. The first time I heard Taylor Swift singing Blank Space, I thought to myself who the heck is that? That sounds really weird after listening to the metal version. But I want to just say, as we dive in, today is going to be a little bit of a soapbox episode, because there's just something I need to share with you and it might burst your bubble or it might just give you a little bit of a deeper understanding about how our brains work. So grab your cup of coffee, your lemon balm tea, because we're going to be talking about something that you probably feel every day, sometimes without even knowing it.

Speaker 1: 1:42

Welcome to the Lemon Balm Coaching Podcast. This is the place for soul-tired women who've spent years pouring out for everyone else, only to wake up exhausted, anxious and wondering who the heck am I now? I'm your host, melissa, coach, healer and fellow traveler who's walked through burnout, breakdown and the wilderness of losing myself, and I can tell you you were never meant to live stuck in survival mode. Here we cut through the noise with honest conversations, practical tools and soul deep encouragement to help you reconnect with who you were designed to be. Together we'll move from exhaustion and hopelessness into clarity, flow and a life that feels peaceful, vibrant and whole again. If you're ready to stop just surviving and start actually living mind, body and spirit, you're in the right place.

Speaker 1: 2:36

Let's dive in. So let's start with Taylor. Recently, the media practically exploded over her engagement. I remember watching videos of newscasters announcing it as if they were announcing their own engagement. There were articles everywhere, fans losing their minds people I know personally talking about it as if it were their own daughter getting a ring.

Speaker 1: 3:05

But I'm not here to bash Taylor Swift. I actually kind of want to talk about something that she's really really good at. First, I do think she's a pretty talented songwriter. Like I said, I've heard some of her songs done by other people and I actually really like them. Not a fan of listening to Taylor herself, I don't like her voice, but I don't really like many female singers anyway.

Speaker 1: 3:31

But one of the things that I think it's so important to realize is that she is brilliant at knowing and playing to her audience. But again, she does put her pants on exactly the same way that you do in the morning. She's not divine. She's not otherworldly. What she is is a master at understanding the three basic human needs love, safety and belonging and that's why her fandom feel like they are part of her family. This is why politicians can whip crowds into devotion. That's why entire cultures can center around celebrities or teams. There's an urgency here that I want you to hear. There's an urgency here that I want you to hear. When one of your three basic needs is not met, your survival brain kicks into high gear and screams that you are going to die. Your survival brain literally believes that without love, safety and belonging, you will die. So let's break them down.

Speaker 1: 4:50

Love From the moment that we are born, we're wired to seek connection. Think about that infant that is placed immediately into their mother's arms after giving birth. And we know that love isn't just about romance, it's about affirmation, it's about nurturing, it's about being wanted. That initial moment when the baby is placed into the mother's arms triggers the co-regulation of the nervous system. And without love, nervous system. And without love, without that connection, the nervous system interprets that as fatal. Babies who aren't held enough, don't thrive. Even if they are given all of the nutrients that they need, they do not thrive. And adults, we're really no different. We're really no different. We may not cry in our cribs, but our mind, our body, our spirits, they deteriorate when love is scarce.

Speaker 1: 5:55

Let's talk about safety. Safety is the second thing that is required for survival. We crave security physical, emotional and spiritual and this is why we cling to our routines. We will stay in jobs long after they are productive. We will stay in relationships that are not life giving because fear of losing our safety holds us hostage, even if the thing that you are stuck in, you know that it is detrimental. True safety. True safety says I can breathe here. True safety calms the central nervous system. But without safety, without true, honest to goodness safety, your body will stay stuck in fight or flight mode.

Speaker 1: 6:53

What about belonging? This is the third of our basic needs. This one is actually huge. Belonging is different from fitting in, though, and I want you to hear that. We can all fit in for a time. We can all play the chameleon for a time, but belonging is being accepted as your true self, and when belonging is missing, we will hustle for it. We will join groups, we will place labels on ourselves, we'll follow teams, we'll follow fandoms. Think about the sports fans painting their faces. Think about political parties and how people doggedly follow them, or Swifties camping out for days just so that they can scream the lyrics out. Together, these three needs love, safety and belonging are non-negotiables. Your brain was wired to believe that without them, you will not survive.

Speaker 1: 7:54

We must have love, safety and belonging, but here's where it gets a little bit tricky, because when those needs are not met in healthy ways, we will grab for substitutes. We will seek for anything to fill that void. We'll go for memberships, like gyms. Think about all the gym rats that are out there. They're always at the gym because there they feel like they belong. We'll join social clubs. We'll get subscription boxes, even because they give us an identity, a tribe, right? Think about all the people talking about this is my tribe. This is my tribe.

Speaker 1: 8:35

We'll grab for substitutes like fandoms, like becoming a Swifty. We'll follow celebrities. We'll follow their careers. We'll know what they had for breakfast. We'll know what gown they wore at the latest gala. That parades around their millions of dollars. Think about politicians and how people rally behind them.

Speaker 1: 8:54

Right now, we have such a division in our country with people following a particular politician or particular party, even influencers online. There are people that you know by name probably, who are. They're just an influencer. They're not anything fancy. Again, they put their pants on exactly the same way, but we know who they are. We know what they had for breakfast. We know what book they read last, because they offer belonging by proxy.

Speaker 1: 9:22

If I know everything that's going on with Taylor Swift and you know everything that's going on with Taylor Swift, we belong to a Swifty group and sometimes we'll even grab for substitutes like addictions, food, alcohol, shopping, scrolling, because they simulate safety and comfort even while destroying us when we are starved for love, safety or belonging. Our nervous system doesn't know the difference between true fulfillment and counterfeit fulfillment. It just knows that it needs relief. It needs love, safety and belonging. And that's why fawning over someone who puts their pants on just like you do can be dangerous, because it feels like survival. So let's call it what it is. This is misplaced worship. We were designed to orient toward the one who is love, the one who is safety, the one in whom we find our true belonging. But when that vertical relationship is a little bit shaky, we'll reach out horizontally for substitutes.

Speaker 1: 10:34

There was a song back in the early 90s by the group Plum called God-Shaped Hole. In the early 90s by the group Plum called God-Shaped Hole. The chorus went something like there's a God-shaped hole in all of us and there's only one that can fill that. But this is why people fight viciously over political parties. And you know I'm speaking the truth. All you have to do is open up your phone, turn on the news and you see it happening. Is open up your phone, turn on the news and you see it happening. This is why fan armies will go to war over their favorite pop star. This isn't a passion.

Speaker 1: 11:06

Some people think, oh, they're just passionate about this person or this thing, when it's really their brain screaming out for survival, screaming out for love, safety and belonging. And their brain has decided that belonging to this group or worshiping this person is the difference between life or death. Logically, we know that's not the case, but our survival brain doesn't operate on logic. But I want you to know there is only one worthy of that kind of devotion. And, spoiler alert, it's not Taylor Swift, it's not Graham Greene, it's not your favorite politician.

Speaker 1: 11:47

So what I encourage you to do this week is just get curious about how you are filling those three needs. Like where are you chasing love? Looking for love in all the wrong places? Where are you chasing love? Where are you trading true safety for counterfeit control? Where are you hustling for belonging rather than resting in the truth that you already belong? Your nervous system may scream that without these external fixes, you will not survive. But God, two of the most powerful words in the universe but God whispers. You already have love, safety and belonging with me.

Speaker 1: 12:39

So love, safety and belonging, these are not just things right. These aren't luxuries. This is what your survival brain was designed to seek at all costs. But love, safety and belonging cannot be filled truly filled by fandoms, addictions or political parties. They can only be filled by the one who designed you, the one who gave you that whole. So here's your invitation Just take some time this week journal, if that's your thing, or meditate on it.

Speaker 1: 13:21

Sit with this question where am I trying to meet my survival needs? In places that I know will never satisfy me. And you know that that is the truth, because if you're here listening, more than likely you have spent most of your life trying to fill those needs and it hasn't worked yet. So when you're ready to go deeper, I want you to know I'm here. I'd love to walk with you. Just reach out, let's talk, because you do not have to scramble for scraps of love, safety and belonging. I'm going to say that again you do not have to scramble for scraps of love, safety and belonging. You were designed for love, safety and belonging. You were made to flourish in them.

Speaker 1: 14:19

If this episode stirred something in you, I just ask that you share it with a friend, someone who's struggling, someone who might be seeking love, safety and belonging in the wrong places. So, friend, stop fawning over the people who put on their pants exactly the same way you do. Stop fawning over what is not worthy of your worship and step into the freedom that comes from the one who designed you for love, safety and belonging. Thank you so much for listening today. I am truly honored that you've spent this time with me and I hope you're walking away with something that brings you a little more peace, clarity and hope.

Speaker 1: 15:07

If you want to keep the conversation going, you can connect with me over on Instagram at Lemon Balm Coaching, or join our free Facebook community. Reignite your Flame. It's where soul-tired women gather to find support, inspiration and real tools for their journey. You'll also find information at LemonBalmCoachingcom. If you enjoyed this episode, go ahead and follow the podcast, leave a quick review and share it with a friend who needs to hear the message. Every follow, review and share helps more women discover that they were designed to thrive. Until next time, keep breathing, keep leaning into what matters and keep choosing peace.